From the beginning
22nd October
My first hour 'out' today. It was beautiful. The garden where you go they've got really nice. Not all neat and manicured, which I expected really, but with a sort of semi-weeded border around mown but not shaved grass. There are real trees still growing, for how long I don't know, but they have also tried to add a few 'new' ones. They've almost got the idea! They stand a cylinder on its end - looks like white concrete - and then fix a single fruit - apple or pear - made of metal of some kind on the top. Quite a good stab at a tree - charming of them to try, really.
Anyway
a whole hour for me was quite something. You go out sometimes to go from
one building to another, but then it's always programmed as a 'march'
so you are looking straight ahead and counting the steps etc.
Being able to walk and stop, sit, look round, walk again - all very strange, thrilling in a way, but a bit disorienting as well. You're wearing your outdoor uniform of course, with hood up and face piece buckled across - and boots strapped - so you can't exactly skip about, and you quickly get hot etc. But you feel protected, which is what you need. I guess they know what they are doing.
24th October
In gym today someone collapsed. Don't want to talk about it really, but it makes you think. No idea what will happen to her. I've been on the verge quite a few times already. You get so hot! I don't know why they make it like that, they don't seem to understand. Or it's one of their little tests. I suppose if they let you change it would take time, and spoil the 'rhythm' of the timetable or something.
They half-understand! There's a proper shower afterwards - but then you have to get back into the stuff you've just peeled off! - absolutely horrid.
25th October
Gill got powder all over her front just now, rushing to get ready for switch-off. She's in a terrible state. Won't have time to get it off for tomorrow! The thing is you never know how seriously they will take these things. It's on the checklist though, no question, and I don't see how Joelly will be able to avoid clicking the box.
1st November
Sandy says they are probably like cats and rest for long periods not moving a muscle and don't realize how uncomfortable it is for us! I don't know why she says that - why should we assume they are OK 'at heart' and not just plain nasty? It's all down to Joelly, telling us how sympathetic they are and how they are having to do this and that but it's for our own good etc etc. But what does she know?
Anyway all that to say I did NOT enjoy the three hours this morning we spent 'resting'. I was sweltering (as usual) and not being able to move an INCH was just one massive endless pulsating misery.
Joelly said we were so lucky to get out of Movement which was actually scheduled. If what we had was Rest, I guess she may have been right ...
But not much of a welcome for a new girl Holly. First day with the group, and a bit poleaxed I think with the spreadeagle etc. Certainly not used to the gear - she looked terribly small in it, seemed to engulf her, even with her arms and legs out. I'm a bit surprised it's so gross - I thought they were quite keen to make you look smart (even though they have absolutely no idea about comfort!) Maybe it's any old size for now and a proper fitting when they get round to it.
2nd November
Making progress with the symbol things! - I think....Anyway I seem to be getting some things right now. Not sure how! But everyone is the same - we were all totally baffled and got everything wrong and now we are all getting at least some right. Amazing.
Joelly say she thinks the sweat thing is because they think it is a sort of lubrication! If we dry out we will seize up!
3rd November
Upset tonight. Gill has reappeared after getting powder on her sleep tunic last week. She's very tight-lipped, saying only what she's allowed to I suppose: that she's been on 'skill development'. Doing what? we ask, 'Oh, sort of practising.,' she says. Practising what? we all ask of course and all we can get out of her is that she been cleaning powder off her uniform. But she's been out of group for nine days!
1st December
Sorry, something's really wrong here. They won't let us write out any more, but I'm trying to hack it out from a desk in the - well stupid of me to say, in case.
I don't know what I'm here for any longer! The 'mutual understanding' went when they stopped Gillian from leaving. It was still the powder thing really. Though she came back to the group she still had to "practice" cleaning powder off her uniform! It was awful for her - she had to go through it all in front of the rest of us, going up to the front, saying she was sorry, asking for permission to take her uniform off, asking for a sheet to lay it on, asking for a brush, then going through the all the motions, meticulously. This happened every day! It was no surprise she wanted to quit after a couple of weeks of it.
5th December
Feeling better today. Some of the machinery they have here is really nice and so long as you don't do anything silly everything's fine. Food better than ever, and in spite of that I'm really fit with all the gym and stuff. Even Gill seems Ok now, doesn't have to do her powder thing any more, and back in standard kit.
I say 'standard'. What I mean is she wears what the rest of us wear, whatever it is. We are always changing - gym, lab, eating, cleaning, sleeping - we have to change for everything. That's basically all right, I'm always ready for a change - you get so uncomfy after a bit whatever you are wearing, it's all made basically of the same stuff. Very smart, I love that now, though it took a while for the penny to drop, and a thrill really, but I'm sure it doesn't 'breathe' - at all - as far as I can see it's good to change. You have a really big wardrobe to hold all your things, and 'valeting' takes hours. (Done by us, needless to say!)
Still having to hack this out - hope it's getting there!
26th December
Just realized yesterday was Christmas! I think it would take a very long while to explain that to them. Anyway, what we had instead was a complete new lot of trainees. They spent their first day in mufti, and looked very strange in their faux-fur gilets and ugg boots! Mika and me and Joelly had to 'mingle', be nice to them - and felt very superior crackling about in our Number Ones.
Actually one of the girls wasn't in the Ugg things. She must have thought induction was some kind of sporty programme, I don't know, and turned up in shorts and a T-shirt. 'Christ', she said 'I feel so awful,' she said when I got to mingle over, 'I'ld rather like to die. I didn't even get to clean my trainers.'
They looked fine to me.
'No marks for turn out,' I said.
'Oh God,' she said, 'zero score to kick off with? I was going to try so hard ...'
- 'No, I mean nobody gets marks, turn-out's not marked until you're in uniform.' I laughed. 'And anyway I think you look just great. Love your sneakers, really sweet.'
'No, Oh, Well, I suppose I like them too, thanks. That's nice of you. I thought you lot would be different! You look different! I mean, wonderful in that fantastic gear, but different!'
Joelly called me, and I had to go. She is Sally.
I don't suppose I will see her in those sneakers again, but she will look as good, better even, in the new navy ones they will give her, and actually in all the stuff that would soon be in her wardrobe. (Though I really loved the shorts she came in.)
29th January
End of the month review tomorrow. NOT my favorite thing. I think I'm doing OK, but it's difficult to tell. I've not been on special
15th July
Hot, hot, hot! But they don't seem to take a blind bit of notice. No concessions, same routine, same rules, no recognition WHATEVER that the heat might create problems. Just being able to leave things off for a bit, just for a bit, would make all the difference, but no. If you are not 100% turned out exactly as the book says for each period it's an extra hour - or more, of course, depends on what the book says OF COURSE - in H1 and then you REALLY feel the heat!!
Anyway, started my affect training today, which I hadn't been looking forward too. Lots a girls I didn't know, but Samantha was there OK and Kelly. Also a girl I was sort of inductor to when she arrived, Sally, who I haven't seen at all since then. We were paired up for one of the things. No talking, but she remembered me OK, eyes widening to say Hello.(Sorry that's me doing affect!) I was right, she looked even better in uniform! One of those girls who can't help looking neat and nice anyway but in the khaki shirt and skirt (classwear today) she absolutely killed. Wearing that stuff she was drenched in the heat, of course, like the rest of us, but she glistened and dripped beautifully. I think it's just that she manages to smile, that's what makes her look so magical underneath the rivelets! She somehow makes it look as though it is a shower she is enjoying, not suffering at all. I tried to smile back! Wish we could talk some time.
16th
pp for me yesterday - ugh!. All I had done was forget a Thank you! You get blasé after a while and then whomf! it's pp or something as bad.
They make you very sore, so it isn't just the day you wear them - the thigh bands are pretty tight.
And, no, I didn't! When you're on pp you have to drink a set amount each break so the pressure really gets to you, absolutely touch and go towards the end, which is Prayers. All you can do is keep jiggling and try and think of England. At last, at last, right at the end of Prayers you go up and they undo the padlocks - (once you've said you're sorry etc etc)- and you can streak away to blissful, blissful release.
You have to bring them back washed and dried and powdered, folded like the book says, all the straps and buckles etc exactly in the right place, which takes ages, so you miss lights out and have to spend the night in the vestibule. NOT my favorite kind of day.
