SHOP | CLUB FOYER | CHILLOUT ROOM | ASK LORRAINE
Club Foyer>Chillout Room>Depositions
I've got another update on the whole "having my coat done up by someone else" front.
You know the basics by now. I have a soft spot for someone else doing my coat up for me, particularly if they have their own mac on at the time and they just happen to be female. Buttoning me up and zipping me up has provided many happy occasions as you will have gathered - particularly when the lady doing the zipping/buttoning up is insistant that she does it, making "staying undone" not an option for me.
Sometimes it's awful though. If a lady in a mac approached me now and told me she was going to "do me up" that would be fine, as long as we were alone, or perhaps with other people I don't know. As a couple of examples. If you put me with her in front of some of my male friends or any of my relatives I would be horribly embarrassed if she insisted on fastening my coat for me!
To add to that, there have been occasions when I've been going out somewhere and it would be sensible to do up my own coat. Now obviously, as an adult you'd probably expect me to do just that wouldn't you? The trouble is that if there is a lady nearby in a mac at the point when I should be doing myself up, then I can go to pieces! It's hard to explain exactly what happens to me but I'll have a go. Some level of dexterity is pretty important when buttoning up a coat. It's nothing short of vital with a coat with a zip on it. It's not unheard of for my "going to pieces" thing to consist of my hands failing to do what they need to. It can be as though someone has tied 10 uncooked sausages to me - one on the end of each of my fingers!! Imagine that... Could you do a zip up if someone tied sausages to the ends of your fingers and then got your brain to tell you to use those on the zip instead of your fingers??? No???? Of course you couldn't......... and nor can I!!!
My brain has this nasty habit of doing this to me at a point when a mackintoshed lady is close by and there are people about who I wouldn't want to have either witness me get zipped up by her, or perhaps take her place and zip me up themselves!! I was in the office one day and about to go home. I started zipping up my coat and was fine until I looked up and saw a young female worker, buttoning up her mac to go home too a few feet in front of me... I soon realised I'd gone to pieces and the zip wasn't doing what I wanted it to.... Worse still there were male co-workers about too!! I had a close escape that day.... The maternal side often comes out in a lady when she sees someone who seems unable to do up their coat. This can often lead to them offering to help.... Fortunately, she was one of the ladies who didn't get a chance help, which might have been not so nice what with that audience of males known to me.... I didn't escape before she'd mocked me though!!!
"Ahhhh. Can't you fasten it?"
I seem to remember telling her that I could before stamping out of the office undone!
Last week I had a less fortunate moment in the "embarrassing doing up sausage finger challenge."
I went to see my Mum who is now over 80. She lives a good way from me, so despite her age we don't see each other much, making do with the phone. She's in good shape for her age. I thought it might help if I took her to the local supermarket though, as she doesn't like driving much anymore. She agreed this would be helpful - and went upstairs to get her coat.
It was raining cats and dogs..... It suddenly struck me that it would be a good idea to zip myself up while she had gone to get her coat. I knew how embarrassed I would be if my brain chose to go all sausage fingered in front of my own Mum and she found me unable to do up my own coat. My brain was already telling my hands it would give them sausage finger syndrome if I waited until she came back to zip myself up.... I heard her coming downstairs and suddenly realised it was too late.... My fingers were already fumbling with the zip, badly! I took a decision to go undone instead and tried to snap the zip apart before she came back instead, but I had the worst case scenario of a half-engaged zip at the bottom - that wouldn't budge. As she came into the kitchen I was still trying to wrestle it apart. The game was almost up... She looked at me in an unconcerned way...
"Are you struggling dear?"
I couldn't think of a quick answer that would get me out of the impending embarrassment!
"Yes. The zip's stuck!"
Then I noticed her own coat selection... She was in a mac....! Not a new one, but one that she had had since about 1980! It's a lovely double-breasted traditional cream Dannimac affair with all the trimmings. She was buttoning it up very efficiently and left me struggling to snap the zip apart as she did so. I struggled on in silence as she managed all her own buttons and her belt..... Then it happened....
"Come here..... Let me have a look!"
I suppose that if records had been kept of the ladies who had fastened my coats up over the years, this particular lady would win first prize for having done it most often!!! She probably did it 3 times a day on average until I was about 6 didn't she? Often with her mac on too. She was the one who had introduced (unwittingly I'm sure!!) my body to the idea that it can tickle and tingle a lot in a certain area..... When my coat's zips were being clipped together in that area..... Or the buttons above that area were proving awkward for her.....
Over the next few seconds I felt like I was being taken back several decades! She was (without knowing it - I hope!) doing me up in the way she had done all those times years before.... She was quite jolly about it too!
"Goodness! I haven't had to do this for you for YEARS!"
"STAND STILL WILL YOU???!"
She managed to snap the zip apart but her eyesight isn't what it was I don't think and that hardly helped in terms of getting me zipped up quickly. I was horribly embarrassed by the reaction I knew my body was giving and just hoped that the obvious wasn't noticeable. Had I been alone with any other mac wearing lady in the world the whole experience would have been glorious! This was my Mum though, so whilst my brain had my fingers acting as uncooked sausages and my physical body thoroughly enjoying itself with the tickling sensations, there was another bit shouting..... "NO!"
I suppose that's why I didn't stand still for her....
It's not as though I was wriggling uncontrollably - though I can remember doing that to her sometimes when I was a child and "embarrassed".... One occasion in particular in a bus queue when a big girl from school (in a gaberdine) was behind us in the queue.... I wriggled that day alright!! Mummy fumbled with my zip for ages that day, shouting at me into the bargain!! If I'd kept quiet Miss Gaberdine might never have noticed I was getting done up, so wriggling had made matters worse by prolonging Mummy's tinglings and also drawing attention to the fact that I'd appeared unable to do my coat up in front of a girl from school.
This modern day experience had some similarities. I wanted to stand very still indeed for her, to get it over with. Something in my head was telling me not to though... A sort of fight and flight simultaneously! This only prolonged her efforts last week too though, in a not disimilar way to the bus queue all those years ago. I just demonstrated a bit more self control by not wriggling so much! Perhaps my brain was also trying to prolong the pleasurable side of things too though.... Who knows?
Anyway.... She got it done up after a minute or two and the world returned to normality - until the next time I go sausage fingered anyway.
Hope that was of interest - and acceptable for that matter!! I feel like I'm pouring my heart out!!!
Andy
SHOP | CLUB FOYER | CHILLOUT ROOM | ASK LORRAINE
|